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december diary

by Nuclear Sibling

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1.
“it’s over now” you said to me “the wise men decided you’re not needed” just my echoes spread over dusty shelves and in the books your grandfather’s reading then I felt the ground begin a-trembling where I’d been left to die you dragged me out of the undergrowth and all I heard were screams and cries i wish that i’d died in the 1990s stifled by the weight of history i wish that i’d died in the 1990s ‘cause the sunlight on my pillow has turned to flames licking at my window and there’s no rest ’til your last breath sets me free pain and war, they’re a mystery i just do the telling the winners with the biggest words i just do their bidding cloths of blue, or red or gold i’ll wear whatever you wish i’ll choreograph the crowd, feel their fury rise or lead the lonesome dying steps of madness i wish that i’d died in the 1990s… the price you pay goes on climbing high and the price of a life keeps on falling so clench your teeth in pain or victory i’m not loyal when schemes go wrong the valley walls are steep and high i’m close behind and running strong i wish that I’d died in the 1990s…
2.
i walked beneath dividing boughs the avenue of planes tamed and transplanted to city fumes and rain just echoes of the sunlight left now autumn has turned surrender to the leaf mould as the golden fires burn we come tonight to seek repair in fantasy and dreams the orchards of my past rise up and we play our familiar scenes i’m burning for your touch i’m yearning at the core but your smile delays what i want to say till you’re not there any more who wants to talk if the time’s always wrong? who wants to dance when their feet are too long? i want to play but i’m just too dull say, why don’t we sing… … isn’t this song wonderful? dragged on by the hungry current no place to pick a fight waiting to capsize to swim with all your might to swim with all my might would be a rare and blessed release the musculature’s degraded but the skin above’s still sleek who wants to talk if the time’s always wrong?... the grey wash of the dawn dissolves the corners and the lines embalming what we cannot grasp but can never leave behind the sombre cry of the night bird flying to roost in the branchy peaks we’re left to tread the shady path round piles of rotting leaves who wants to talk if the time’s always wrong?...
3.
the chapel was crowded, the people all in it had come out of duty, or friendship, or both the man they remembered had long since departed distorted by sickness, deserted by hope thanks for the good times and fond recollections all jostled for space in the minds of those there but their gratitude should flow in a different direction to the star of the show, as the vicar declared: “god is drying his tears in heaven” (all suffering has ended) “god is drying his tears in heaven” (into his arms we bound) “god is drying his tears in heaven” the natural conclusion: you’re not safe from comfort till you’re six feet underground so who is this big boy with kleenex a-plenty? who is this big man muscling in? where was he when pain made the body unbearable? only appearing when the vicar begins: “god is drying his tears in heaven” (all suffering has ended) “god is drying his tears in heaven” (into his arms we bound) “god is drying his tears in heaven” despite all your plans: you’re not safe from comfort till you’re ash in the can one day we’ll join him in lifeless oblivion one day we’ll frolic like babes in the clouds our faithful hearts sated with milk and with honey and these words of comfort will be spoken out loud “god is drying his tears in heaven” (all suffering has ended) “god is drying his tears in heaven” (into his arms we bound) “god is drying his tears in heaven” the natural conclusion: you’re not safe from comfort till you’re six feet underground
4.
we sat in the café and stared at the walls as i cast about in my mind for some words that my mouth could manage to form with the wit and vitality of conversationalists like me it’s a wonder the world goes round at all - yes it is it’s a wonder that the world goes round at all retreating to the bathroom i took shelter in a stall and i prayed to the gods of the cistern for assistance suspecting they’d seen it all just the latest in a lengthy line of fearful hearts quite like mine one day i’ll break the mould and say the truth - yes I will one day i’ll break the mould and say the truth let me speak your name give me that look that means you think the same and cut loose the vultures of this café culture returning to the table i tried to copy my friends’ positions and my efforts to be easy were much more pleasing and encountered less resistance would you could you in a boat? what’s your favourite Norman castle moat? there’s a world outside that sticking steamed-up door - yes there is there’s a world outside that sticking steamed-up door let me speak… my best efforts aren’t sufficient, so to my fate I am resigned your smile is selective, you’re so cool and collected and i’m impulsive and ill-defined now the waiter wants the table and another chance has gone but this picture of affliction will linger on - yes it will this picture of affliction will linger on let me speak…
5.
in the shelter of the hawthorn hedge the rosehip and the thorn looking out across the meadowgrass where our decade lies forlorn and the winter sun’s cautious touch holds a promise of warmth to come this year but i’m living for two from now on in this meadow of tears beneath december’s salmon skies the blackbirds' anxious call though the twilight settles sombrely they’ll be back to sing at dawn with abundant life a sad surround lies the reason we’re gathered round: the nightmare we all feared so i’m living for two from now on in this meadow of tears ... may you rise up in a heady mist may your molecules be freed let each individual one be kissed and dance joyful on the breeze and my heart has been commandeered by a stream of conviction running clear that i’m living for two from now on i guess i'm living for two from now on yes i'm living for two from now on in this meadow of tears
6.
i was hanging round and lost for so long could never feel like i belonged then a hand appeared one day and you welcomed me in to stay so through the years we danced and twirled the attendant feelings steamed and swirled now your movement lives in my limbs feel your growing pulse within keep heaping those changes on me heaping those changes on me keep heaping those changes and i won’t let go so who was i? well i think that you knew long before i shared what i had thought through so patient while i stumbled on you stuck with me all along but now there’s a darkness that's taken hold the bleakest anarchy of my soul a storm rips me from the ground - god knows where it’s going to lay me down keep heaping those changes… what a beautiful chance and you let me take it i’m so glad of your kindness in helping me make it i was lost with my heart on the floor wearing patterns in the carpet round my bedroom door the mind games to get through the day we just threw them away threw them all away so wherever it leads that’s where i will be a stranger to myself, a blissful relief these days i’m just leaning in i can feel you near when i sing we’re torn apart but some things never end a depth to your care i can’t comprehend it comes blazing through the night and i'm shimmering in your light keep heaping those changes…

about

recorded in bridgnorth and bristol, november 2023 - february 2024
thanks to paul and roland for the loan of the portastudios

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released March 16, 2024

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